Common Denominator

Ok. I am willing to admit. It may be me. Maybe I want more. Maybe I cant see. Maybe my expectations are to high. I've been this way for so long. Fighting to be seen. Trying to go above and beyond so they would see me as a good friend. What happens if I were to stop trying? Maybe there's something there and I'm fighting for no reason. I cant have always been the one trying. Right? They have had to have tried a few times. Right? I'm exaggerating. Right? I cant have always been the background person. Right?
I stopped trying with my family. Stopped planning get together's. Stopped pushing my way in. Stopped forcing my family. Held on to the belief that if they wanted to be in my life, they would try. They would put forth some effort. I didn't plan Easter. Nothing. I didn't plan Mothers Day. Nothing. I didn't plan moms birthday. Nothing. Nothing happened. No one called. No one planned anything. No one made the effort. I didn't talk to some family for months. What I found out was, one person was trying to plan something but didn't invite me. Why?
At some point you look in the mirror and ask yourself "what is wrong with me? I am the common denominator here. No one is reaching out to me."
This is my void. I know no one is reading. I'm not afraid to say what's wrong with me. But I can assure you. I am a good person. Loyal to a fault. I pick up the slack. Do the things no one else wants to. I want to be seen, remember? This is the way I've trained myself to be seen, remember? There was nothing I did to deserve that. I promise you. But still. I am the common denominator.
What will happen if I stop trying with my friends? Or should I say "friends?" I invited some out for a couples date night. Nothing. No one responded. I invited some girls out to see a movie. Nothing. No one responded. I tried to talk on a thread on Facebook, where someone said the same thing as I did, the other person was responded to, not me. My husband was invited to poker night with the husbands while the wives went out. I was not invited to the wife part. It would appear that if I stopped trying. It wouldn't be noticed. Why?
Lets pull out that mirror again. I assure you I don't talk about them behind their backs. They're good women. Strong women. I would have nothing bad to say about them. I have even defended several of them to others in the same group, when the women would talk behind each others back. Again, I am the fixer. The planner. I want to be seen. Why would I jeopardize it? But. Clearly, I am the common denominator.
Maybe that's the problem. I try to hard. But I am scared to death, that if I stop. So will they and I will be alone. But if they stop, were they friends to begin with? Am I alone no matter what?

Background Friend

I am a background friend.

A background friend is someone who is nice. Caring You don't mind being their friend. They are good people, good friends. But they are the ones you wont see for awhile and not mind. You tend to talk over them. Ignore their ideas and usually, if they invite you somewhere, you don't go. They are just there in the background, filling up space. One you could move on from without batting an eye. They're never really missed once not around.

All my life I've been a background friend. I just haven't noticed until recently. How did I become one? I speculate its because I was shy and timid as a young girl. I hung out with girls that would tease me whenever I did speak up or act as my true self. Therefore, I melded into the background to avoid being hurt. And there I stayed.

Its ok to be a background friend. It feels safe. Easy. But what happens when you finally grow out of it? How do you escape it?

This blog is me screaming into the void. My way of being heard. My opinions. My true self. It'll be filled with randomness, some healing and hopefully Ill find my way out of the background.